My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
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Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.