*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.