Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.