When you can’t find your friend Neil
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son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
May have had one breakfast too many
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.