My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
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As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.