texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
How to properly lift a body
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”