Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.