My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
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I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me when my alarm goes off
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*