Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Nice try, NASA
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
That took me a moment.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I came this close!!!!
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.