*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…