Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Livid.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips