Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
You Might Also Like
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
And then there were 4
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.