I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
You Might Also Like
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.