Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
You Might Also Like
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?