Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
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her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
so much to do
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!