Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I didn’t come here to be called names
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.