is there nothing we can trust anymore
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waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
🥶🥶🐶🐶
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart