Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
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New comic up. “Ransom”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise