Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.