Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
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M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.