*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
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ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]