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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Cartman: Respect my
a a
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating