A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
🔦🌙👣
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Ferrari squats
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.