Proofread twice, hang posters once
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4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Today’s Times
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.