Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
You Might Also Like
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is