Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber