Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.