Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.