18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
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Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
This is a bad sign
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’