*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Smallpox sounds so adorable
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.