me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch