My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
The Joker was right
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”