[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
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*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE