[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
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“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Bartenders are just boneless bars
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach