Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
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I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?