piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.