Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
When you’ve simply given up.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.