interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
You Might Also Like
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
the red hot silly peppers
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.