[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”