shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Canada has crack?
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce