I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Battery falling down a hole
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
S M O L
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?