[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
But wait…
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My plans: 2020:
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*