Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Seas the day!!!!
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.