On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
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The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Employees must applaud the planets.
People always tell you that you鈥檒l blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we鈥檒l be there between 12pm and 6pm
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 馃槶
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
When this is all over, I鈥檓 going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property