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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
is it earth
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.