Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
You Might Also Like
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.