I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.