So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.