My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: