Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all